What has been the unexpected, the hardest to comprehend in all my twenty-seven years of motherhood, beyond the dishes, the laundry and the raising of teen girls? It isn’t the nurturing, the training, or the constant cleaning. It’s not how my heart trembles wondering if my girls are going to grow up all right.

It’s not the outbursts that erupt the moment they’re awake till tucked in bed at night. Or the hypocrisy that our home boasts, “As for me and my home, we will serve the Lord” when there’s days on end where were more of a battle zone than a refuge from the world.

I could buy gadgets that have been created to make motherhood easier but there isn’t an invention that can prepare you for a family. The full force of humanness and hormones that is ever changing from about seven till adulthood, and beyond.

The late nights with a colicky baby may feel like a lifetime, but I can vouch that motherhood isn’t simply comprised of just that one moment, or the event that leads up to childbirth.

Motherhood is comprised of trial and error learning to navigate uncharted, undeserved grace that I’m grateful I have found and experienced for myself as a mom, because my childhood was bleak, barren without a Savior.

Being a mom fully encompasses the soul, every pore every part of my very being. I’ve heard it said that a mother’s heart is only as happy as their saddest child, and I have found that statement to be true.

When my nineteen year old left us I didn’t know why, she’s been gone almost ten years and I can count the times on my fingers that she’s reached out and called. I walk with not just my heartache but also that of my husband and my other daughters. We’ve feeling abandoned, our relationship passed over, no longer familiar.

And now there’s a baby on the way and how does a mom deal with that and those feelings of soon being called grandma when I’m not sure what my two cents are worth?

But I hold tight to this, this I understand after coming to Christ, there was a season when I stepped away, wasn’t abiding, breathing right without the Father because for once I wanted to live my way…unrestricted.

It’s in the life lesson of motherhood that I’ve learned that the only restrictions are the ones I put on myself because His Grace is the one thing that makes me able to live fulfilled, especially in the arena called motherhood. Grace is what gets me through each day raising more girls than I have arms and legs combined.

God’s love flows over the unexpected so that I’m able to understand and see with my whole heart eyes of grace, and able to love each one of my girls right where they are and not where I want them to be. It’s God who deals with the heart I’m just trying to live out His grace.

  

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