I’m that dark horse, the one only a few believe in, the one that has a dream so enormous yet, in most people’s eyes, I have little or no chance of making much of it. It’s God that does the choosing. He didn’t shy away from me when He found me covered in shame. He calls me His unexpected winner.
There’s nothing special about me—a broken, barely high school graduate who’s sought her whole life to fit in and be loved. I struggle with myself, being a wife and a mom. It’s awkward not getting my own life right, and all the more inconceivable to think God would give me a home filled to the brim with my own girls. There’s this long drawn out uneasiness when it comes to me figuring out myself, let alone following God’s lead. It’s hard to just blindly jump in when I’m feeling alone, when I don’t have a team to turn to on this God-journey.
Writing is a lonely occupation and I wouldn’t be up for the challenge if I didn’t have friends and Facebook followers cheering me on. I’ve got ladies who are willing to roll up their sleeves and help show me how my dream gets done because my lack of experience allows doubt to overpower my calling.
I tend to be a perfectionist when it comes to my writing, and I was at a whiney low point wondering why I wasn’t living up to my expectations as a writer. I looked back at my childhood and realized because of my insecurities and lack of self-worth I learned young to stay away from things I wasn’t skilled at right away, things like ice-skating and golf, things that take time and practice … like writing.
One mid-morning when I lacked the creativity to write, I spent some time by the fire. It gave me some breathing space, enough to think about my feelings, bringing some growth and maturity. That morning I was led to an article in my email from a group called (In)courage. It’s a posse of women that sharpen like-minded moms in different stages of life through blog posts and gatherings. Reading that email was like God handing me a challenge—a dare, asking if I’ll say yes to live a little reckless and live outside of my introverted self.
Looking back a year and a half later that email was the reinforcement I needed to get me to where I am now, writing my story. By saying yes and sharpening my craft of writing God invited other women writers, great women writers into my life. These are women who are investing in me, giving me the experience and the knowledge I had to have to make my dream happen.
I had forgotten about that article from (In)courage until I received another email from a writer and speaker asking if I’d fill out a questionnaire. She was looking for a team of women to come alongside her in the launching of her next book. I felt out of my league and unsure of what the expectations might be. To be honest I still feel that way even after helping a handful of amazing women that have included me on their book launch team.
God’s been developing my writing so I’m able to voice my story in a way that I’ve never been able to before. I’ve learned about patience, waiting on God, and writing a book of my own. There’s so much in the pressure of meeting expectations and seeking affirmation and not enough resting in God working in my life.